BDSM - It Doesn't Have To Be Scary Or Painful

If I say this phrase – BDSM – what comes to mind? Leather, whips, chains, high-heeled boots, gags, heavy restraints and probably PAIN, right? For most people, the image of Bondage, or BDSM, connotes all of these things and probably much worse. They can't find even the remotest interest in exploring it because of the way it has been portrayed in the movies, media or in our own imaginations!

The most important aspect of bondage games is trust, because one of the partners is restricted and therefore vulnerable. You must be able to trust one another completely; otherwise these kinds of games should never be played. The active partner (or 'top') should never use the session purely to fulfil their own fantasies in a selfish way, they should also think about the pleasure of the restrained partner ('passive partner' or 'bottom').

Well, I am here to tell you – BDSM does NOT have to be anything like what you have imagined! Playful bondage – the kind that will be discussed here – can and IS an EXTREMELY pleasurable experience for both partners – and can heighten the arousal to levels not previously attained – and all without pain!

People are attracted to this type of play for a number of different reasons. Being tied up allows some people to relax and enjoy being given pleasure without having to worry about giving pleasure back to their partner at the same time. Others prefer to play-struggle against their restraints, and say it builds up an exciting adrenaline rush. Being blindfolded is supposed to heighten other sensations in the body. The person performing the bondage gets increased feelings of personal power, but of course this must never be abused.

If you are a person that does not even like a little spanking in the bedroom – then remove the M – Masochism, from your equation. You may still like the bondage and the submission – just take out the spanking. Perhaps you like a little nipple tugging but don't want to be tied down – TAKE IT OUT! The most important thing in any sexual play is PLEASURE – do what feels good for you and your lover!

I believe that BDSM has gotten a bad rap, so to speak, over the years – and that people are sometimes afraid to even approach the idea of bondage with their lover for fear that they will be bound and gagged and made to do horrible things that will give them no pleasure what-so-ever!

So, let us begin S L O W L Y – and let me bring you into the realm of light bondage and show you just how very pleasurable an experience it can and should be!

When dealing with Bondage play it is essential to have some basic ground rules. I always suggest that the couple sit down in a non-sexual situation and discuss where their comfort zone is. Perhaps go through a checklist to ensure that you are both on the same page.

*Discuss how you are willing to be tied (i.e. only arms, no legs); maybe you want to pretend to be tied initially (“inhibited movement play”) to see if you like to be restricted.

*Discuss what you are willing to have done in your impaired position – i.e. you can kiss me, touch me, but please let me free to have sex.

*Discuss what sensations you absolutely hate or make you uncomfortable – i.e. I don't like ice on my clit, don't want to have sex toys used on me, don't want my penis tied with anything.

*Discuss what would really make you uncomfortable in general – i.e. don't leave the room while I am tied.

SAFETY

Bondage communities have two safety terms they use: SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). These terms mean that you should always have CONSENSUAL play with your partner, you should NEVER BE IMPAIRED and you should be safe with your play.

In order to be safe, you should agree upon a safe word to use in the event that one of you feels uncomfortable. This word should be something unusual that you wouldn't say otherwise – like “groundhog.”

Getting the “rules” of play established not only makes you more at ease that nothing bad will happen, but it gets you more excited about what is going to happen while you play.

Some things that first-timers can try out include:

Taking turns to tie each other up with silk scarves and tease one another;

Tie the passive partner up with something that can easily be broken out of, such as paper streamers, or a really thin chain. Then they only have to stay in that position if they want to be there;

Blindfolding during sex, massage, or kissing;

Furry lovecuffs - handcuffs that are padded with fake fur on the inside to prevent chafing, and can't close too far (which cuts off the circulation).

More couples practice Bondage than people think – holding down your lover’s arms during sex, blindfolding them, tying them to the bed with a pair of pantyhose, spanking them during foreplay – this is all BDSM – and a form of playful bondage.

The reason that bondage play is so arousing is because we are eliminating one or more of our senses – and this heightens our other senses and makes them much more in tune to what is going on around us or happening to us.

When we take away one of our senses – let’s say our sense of sight - with a blindfold - all the activity that is going on around us takes on another level of intensity. Our ears will become more acute to all the noises in the room. Suddenly the sound a drawer opening or of our lover moving across the bed is something that causes us a little apprehension and anticipation. What is he getting out of the drawer? Where is he in the room? We can hear ice tinkling in a glass – did he put some in his mouth? Suddenly we hear a buzzing noise – is that a sex toy? All of these noises would have not caused this extraordinary sensory reaction if we could SEE what the noises were, where they were coming from and what was going to happen to us. We become more aroused because of the curiosity of the unknown and the anxiety of waiting to FEEL what will happen with what we cannot see!

If you then take away another sense - let's say the sense of touch - by limiting movement with some light restraints, you have stepped up the game. I highly suggest the TIE THE KNOT restraint kit for beginners, it comes with 4 sets of restraints for ankles and wrists AND a blindfold. They are closed with Velcro, so they are secure, but won't make your “prisoner” feel like he or she can't get out. The blindfold and cuffs are super soft too! Or, if you prefer, FURRY HANDCUFFS can give you a more secure tie to a bedpost or a chair, while still being soft on the wrists. If you don't have bedposts, the Japanese Bondage ROPE works JUST GREAT for putting it around the bottom of the bed and wrapping it around wrists or ankles. Advanced players may consider DOOR JAM RESTRAINTS or HOG TIE RESTRAINTS, but that is another article all together!

If you prefer NOT to be tied down, you can go the COLLAR / LEASH route – it is a little more typical BDSM, but many couples find it arousing to lead each other around on a leash. The PRISONER KIT comes with restraints and a collar and leash so that you can lead your lover to his fantasy come true! The leash can be then attached to a bedpost so that movement is restricted, but not totally inhibited! For people who are uncomfortable with full immobility this may be a good alternative. Or, the collar and leash combined with handcuffs. Once again, all YOUR CALL!

When two senses are impaired – sight and movement – the experience is doubly heightened. Now our sub-conscious self tells us that we are immobilized – which is an unnatural state for the body to be in. Meanwhile, our conscious self which has consented to the activity, is aroused by the possibilities of being tantalized by our lover while we are immobile. As our unconscious battles our sub-conscious, our lover is using our heightened state of arousal to tease us and tantalize us – and is also using our heightened arousal to arouse him / herself. It is a win-win situation!

The final thing to decide in this scenario is – how will you be dressed or undressed while you are tied down? My suggestion is NUDE! There is nothing quite like being spread eagle on a bed with your legs and wrists tied to the bedposts and eyes covered by a silky blindfold! The sensation of being naked also adds to the eroticism – it makes you as vulnerable as you can possibly be in that moment with your lover! BDSM is much about vulnerability! You are completely helpless to fight off whatever sexual delights he or she has in store for you while you are tied helpless and horny to the bed! Trust me – you will LOVE IT!

The beauty of bondage is that the submissive can't move or fight off the sexual feelings that she or he will be having! It is a very powerful and erotic position for the Dominant to be in. It is also a very exciting position for the submissive. Personally, I get equal pleasure from both positions, but my heart lies with the submissive position.

This is a unique opportunity to experiment with a wide range of sensual touches – feathers, ice, heat, silky fabrics, tongues, fingers, sex toys – things that would surprise you lover upon contact with her or his skin.

Feathers or silky fabrics are a very sensual tools when used in bondage. They tickle, they excite, they make the skin’s neurotransmitters go crazy when passed along the skin! It is a totally wicked sensation to be tied down and have a feather or a silk scarf run up and down your thighs or around your breasts! Imagine a silk scarf wrapped gently around your lover’s penis and gently pulled up! The sensations of the fabric between your legs, on your thighs, on your clit – the possibilities for teasing are endless!

Contrary to what some people think, BDSM is not about violating someone during immobilization. The “art” of playful bondage involves teasing and tickling, licking and sucking, bringing your lover to the absolute highest passion possible.

The tongue is a wonderful thing – it can bring such wonderful sensations to the neck, ears, face, mouth, chest – and of course, the clit or penis! During bondage, kissing, licking and sucking on your submissive is an absolute MUST! Why waste a moment of being able to savor every inch of his or her body with your tongue – teasing them with your hot breath, little flicks of the tongue, nibbles with your teeth. Take advantage now – your turn is coming!

Some of the best types of toys to use in beginning play are Mini-Vibes or Finger Massagers (Fukuoku 9000) – because these toys allow the Dominant to tease all parts of the submissive’s body with the tantalizing vibrations. The nipples, tummy, thighs and clit can be teased and played with all without the submissive knowing what is coming next or the ability to move away or fight the orgasm that is surely building!

The men are not left out – these wonderful massagers can be used on his nipples, tummy, balls, shaft and penis head to accomplish just as much pleasure as when used on her erogenous zones! Of course, he is tied down and can't make you stop touching his ‘sensitive areas’ either- so enjoy the power while you can!

Slimline vibrators are also good for sending some simple vibrations. If you and your lover have agreed to tease each other with sensations of all kinds – massagers, slimlines, or even warming gels or massage oils or creams might be a way to step up the sensations – all for the pleasure of your lover!

Glow in the Dark vibes would also be great because the Dominant would be able to see all the action – close up and personal! My new favorite toy which will surely be making it’s way into our bondage play is the Metallic Heart-On engorged penis vibrator – nothing like a full feeling! My point – no matter what toy preference you and your lover have – it is fun to experiment and play with the extra sensory deprivation you will be experiencing here!

There are so many options to choose from in the BDSM world. Just remember, it doesn't have to be scary or super aggressive. With a little bit of planning with someone that you love and trust, it could be a super sexy adventure to remember for a life time.